What is Reactive Abuse? (and how you saw it on Tuesday)

by Kaitlyn Fikaris

I used to wish I could go back in time and share the knowledge I have now with my past self and react differently to things. That’s not possible and that’s okay because I am grateful for the valuable lessons whatever higher power exists has taught me. What I can do now is share the knowledge I have with others. On the long list of things I’ve learned this year is Reactive Abuse.

First and foremost, it is important we understand being mentally and emotionally tortured by someone is just as bad as someone putting their hands on you. Abusers can be any gender identification and in the context of any relationship (family, romantic relationships, friendships, coworkers, acquaintances.) Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence defines reactive abuse as follows:

“Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.”

Reactive abuse can be present in any context but I will focus on the context of emotional abuse. Narcissists and psychological abusers take their time listening and remembering your triggers; whether they are childhood or adult traumas, insecurities, secrets, or anything that makes you uncomfortable/will get a negative reaction out of you when tapped into. They’re always listening when you confide so that they can use whatever information you trusted them with against you one day.

We all make mistakes and say things we don’t mean sometimes but for emotional abusers, this is not a mistake. They know exactly what they’re doing and how much it’s going to hurt someone. Reactive abuse is when a person intentionally triggers you in order to get a reaction that is out of character for you. Your normal, negative human reaction to the trigger will then be used against you. Abusers might record your outbursts if in person or screenshot them if over messages. They use your reaction as “evidence” that you’re actually the abuser and toxic one. They’ll show their friends and family to say that you’re crazy; or if court is involved, they’ll even use your reactions against you in court.

Manipulators condition you to believe the problem isn’t what they’re doing to you, but instead how you’re reacting to what they’re doing to you. Reactive abuse is mostly used for two reasons: 1) boredom, or 2) to get some “evidence” that can be used against you. As sick as it may sound, there are people out there who genuinely find entertainment from triggering you when they’re bored. Narcissists and emotional abusers love power dynamics and enjoy the idea that they have the power to change your character or how others view you.

(As a side note, if you saw Tuesday’s Presidential debate, you witnessed an attempt at reactive abuse. Donald Trump, an overt (meaning obvious) narcissist, purposely brought up Joe Biden’s children during the debate. When Trump mentioned Hunter Biden’s past drug addiction, he was trying to use reactive abuse. Trump intentionally used a trigger for Joe Biden, with the goal of getting Biden to react negatively in front of America. Joe Biden did what narcissists absolutely hate, he reacted calm and collective. It is fair to say that most people would’ve reacted a lot differently— but Biden robbed Trump of his goal, the negative reaction he was expecting. However, remaining calm is difficult for most people who don’t have knowledge of reactive abuse or narcissists.)

Emotional abusers love using reactive abuse because it’s not obvious to others, and therefore saves their own image. Covert (meaning not obvious) narcissists and emotional abusers are often well-liked and love knowing if you ever spoke out against them, no one will believe you. Strategically, no one will believe you because they’ve already taken the time to smear your name and tell everyone that you’re the abuser; also because they spend their daily lives pretending to be empathetic, friendly, and completely different from how they are behind closed doors.

If you’ve ever gone through or are currently going through reactive abuse, there will be some people who will believe your abuser. After all, your abuser is the one with the “evidence” and has shown everyone. But this is not a loss. What’s important is you always remember who you truly are because abusers will convince you, and others, that you’re someone else. Ask yourself if you’re one who always acts in that way or is that a character only one specific person (purposely) brings out in you. The important people in our lives are the ones who know our true characters, can see when something is not like us, and understand even good people have their limits.

Bullies, narcissists, and emotional abusers have one thing in common: they seem powerful and frightening. In reality, they are very small individuals who rely on someone else’s pain, anger, and power to fuel themselves. The moment a victim takes their reactions, pain, and power back is the moment abusers become small again. Of course this is a process and will be harder for others depending on the abuse. But when you remind yourself how small they actually are, suddenly they are no longer powerful or capable of hurting you again.