When Positive Vibes & Self-Love Become Harmful

Our emotions and feelings are greatly influenced by society and what we see. Social media is a huge example of the damage viewing only the best of people’s lives can cause. Positive thinking and self-love are mechanisms that are very valuable but in recent years has been emphasized so much, it has become harmful. Like anything, too much of something isn’t always great.

The current culture emphasizes and enforces being our best selves or “living our best lives.” We feel pressure to make the most money, always think positively, be healthy mentally and physically, and never having a bad day. Although positive thinking is beneficial, in recent years it has become toxic and more damaging than good. We’re being taught to feel valueless for needing a break day. We’re being taught that feeling sad or not living out the version of our “best lives” that society has created for us means that we’re failing somehow. We’re being taught to feel that we’re not on the right path or stage in our lives because we’re not young millionaires yet, we don’t have that relationship yet, we don’t have that house or car yet. There is no deadline or due date in life, but our current culture is teaching us that if we’re not constantly achieving, we’re losing. Winning or losing isn’t always black and white— there’s gray area, and we are allowed to be in that gray area. Our culture’s toxic positivity is harmful because it leaves no room for growing or mistakes or even feeling. In reality, we become the best versions of ourselves through feeling, pain, and growth. No one wakes up the best version of themselves— it’s a process and not always an easy one, but the reward is worth it at the end.

Though uncomfortable, it is completely okay and normal to have bad days or weeks. The truth is we all have them, but we are shamed into hiding them because it will ruin society’s concept that we are no longer living our best lives if we have bad days. Not caring and numbness is more acceptable today (and the norm) than having emotions. As humans, we are given the gift of emotions and feelings. Though sometimes it doesn’t always feel like a gift, I would rather be capable to feel things like joy and sadness and even anger than not being able to feel anything at all.

This sentence is going to come as a shock to some but the concept of self-love can be harmful too. Though self-love is very important and very beneficial in our lives, it’s not always the cure for everyone or everything. I’m a firm believer that we should stop telling people to love themselves after they open up to us about their struggles, especially in love or about their insecurities. Telling someone they need self-love is like telling a person battling cancer that they need prayer. Yes, prayer can be very beneficial and will help the survivor to push forward, but it’s going to take more than prayer to beat the cancer. Similarly, many people find themselves in situations and are told they need to find self-love before they can live happily. Self-love will definitely help towards finding happiness or moving forward, but self-love isn’t going to be the cure. One shouldn’t expect self-love to always be the cure for everything. It also makes the person feel bad for not achieving self-love if they haven’t and blames them for their circumstances. I saw a post that I think explains this perfectly; it said, “stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves; stop planting the idea in people’s brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own struggle.”

Furthermore, when you tell someone they need self-love, you’re assuming they have none and that is not always the case. Someone can simultaneously love themself and still have some insecurities or something they want to improve. Self-love does not equate narcissism and we should never confuse the two. I’ve achieved something I thought I never could years ago: I can list more things I love about myself than things I don’t like about myself. My positives lists are becoming longer while my negative lists are becoming shorter. Just because there are things I want to improve about myself does not mean I lack self-love. In fact, I think one of the greatest acts of self-love is wanting to improve something, for yourself.

Our current culture teaches us our insecurities but then blames us for having them. Our current culture impacts our feelings but then shames us for feeling them. We have the right to feel. We are allowed to have bad days. We are allowed to have an insecurity. We are on the right track and our own timing. We are allowed to not always be the best versions of ourselves. Most importantly, we have the right to have these things and not feel so bad about them.