Mental Health- Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Why They Still Watch

By Kaitlyn Fikaris

I’ve done much research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) this year with the help of experts and psychologists. I’ve briefly written about NPD in previous blog posts but haven’t gotten into detail about it other than the two types of narcissists (overt and covert.)

I’ve had people ask me questions about this subject and I’m always happy to answer and share my knowledge ❤️. It genuinely brings me so much joy to talk about mental disorders with others and bring awareness to something. As 2020 comes to an end, today I explain narcissists more and will focus on a common tactic they use— Hoovering.

In short, a clinical definition of NPD is as follows: “Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Like many disorders, narcissism is a spectrum, with some only showing a few signs to some who are very severe and physically hurt people or animals to some who are everything in between. Although NPD is a cluster-B personality disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), NPD differentiates because narcissists do not think they have a problem and lack empathy for others. People diagnosed with BPD are capable of empathy and can be self-aware of their disorder and how it affects their lives and others around them. However, narcissists are not self-aware, in fact, they believe everyone else is the problem and that they are the victim of their circumstances. Narcissists know how to and when they are hurting someone, but they don’t necessarily know why they feel the need to do it. (I recommend reading my blog post on Reactive Abuse for this one.) Based on scientific research, NPD is more common in men (but can be any gender) and is caused by genetic factors and environmental or childhood traumas. Due to their belief they don’t have a problem, NPD usually goes undiagnosed by a professional.

You can know a narcissist in any setting as they have friends and jobs. But a romantic relationship with a narcissist happens in three phases: lovebomb, devalue, and discard. In the lovebombing phase, narcissists will shower you with attention, expensive gifts if they can afford it, affection, and often say they’ve found the one to you and their friends. During the lovebomb phase, narcissists move very quickly. They will want to meet your parents or family, say I love you quickly, and in some cases, even marry their victim. Lovebombing is a form of manipulation and is used to establish control. During the devalue phase, things begin to change. They begin to ease down on their affections towards you, will begin to ignore you, and insult and bully you in the forms of a “joke.” The final stage of a relationship with a narcissist is the discard. The discard phase is the most painful. The discard is when they are done with you (or could be when you are done with them.) When they are done with you, narcissists will be extremely cruel and hurtful. By this point, they’ve learned what hurts you, what angers you, and your biggest fears from studying you during the lovebomb phase and testing it out during the devalue. The abuse, whether it is emotional, verbal, or sometimes physical, will be it’s worst. The person that they are during the lovebomb phase is unrecognizable during the discard phase and their victims often find themselves wondering what happened to the “good times.” Unfortunately, one of the hardest things to accept is that there are no good times with a narcissist, as everything is fake and purposely performed. Narcissists usually jump into new relationships or entanglements fast, this is because they usually are already talking to new supply or cheating before their relationships are officially over. Narcissists are uncomfortable with being alone and cannot be without supply— they are always flirting, dating, or talking to someone (even if they are still in a relationship.)

After the discard, something that narcissists frequently do is what is called hoovering. Hoovering is when they test the waters by starting conversation with you or watching you secretly after a period of no contact. They may call you to tell you big news of a family member or mutual friend, they may wish you a happy new year, or they may ask for something they left at your place. Narcissists do this to see if you’ll respond, and to see if they still have access to you.

Another form of hoovering is secretly watching. Going no contact with a narcissist (cutting off all ties, blocking, and cutting any form of communication) causes narcissistic injury. Narcissists enjoy feeling they are in control and knowing that they still have access to you. When they have no way of knowing how you are doing, they will find a way to do so. They will make fake social media accounts, use family or friend’s accounts, or in some more severe cases; show up to your place of work or home. In case you’re asking yourself, “well I still watch xyz on social media, does that mean I’m a narcissist?” the answer is based on how much time has passed and what your intentions are. Narcissists will hoover months or even years after you’ve cut off ties; even if they discarded, abused, or cheated on you. They never get over some things or people because they’re not capable of healing or being self-reflective.

It is important to note narcissists do not miss people, they miss whatever it is that person did for or gave them (attention, money, sex, social status, superficial friendship or relationships, etc.) Narcissists will use anyone for their own benefit and no bar is too low. In psychology, we call people who are in narcissist’s lives “supplies” because essentially that is what they are. There are old supplies (past people they already know and have hurt) and new supplies (new people they’ve just met or new prey.) They miss people the way we would miss an object. Think of missing an old blanket— we’ll get rid of and replace that blanket easily without thought, but maybe after a while we’ll notice the new blanket doesn’t keep us as warm as the old one did. That is how narcissists “miss” people; they don’t miss people for their individuality or gifts, but rather what a person provided them with.

Narcissists hoover or watch for all the wrong reasons. They often obsess over past supplies when the past supplies begin to move on. Narcissists need to make sure that you’re not doing better than they are. Despite their confident and happy facade they work hard on to show the world, deep down they are very insecure and unhappy individuals. Misery loves company, and narcissists like when they’re not the only ones who are unhappy. Deep down, narcissists are insecure and feel they have no value. Thus a narcissist’s goal is to make you believe the same about yourself.

A narcissist’s mind thinks: if I can deeply hurt or destroy this person, I mean something to someone so I must be important. If I can get someone to hate me forever, I must be worth something and I’ll never be forgotten. As delusional and cruel as it may sound, narcissists hurt people to fuel their egos and make themselves feel better about their worth. They love any form of attention or recognition, positive or negative. Narcissists never want you to forget them, and that’s why they hoover; to make sure you haven’t healed, you haven’t moved on, haven’t bettered yourself, or to even try and get “payback” or pour salt into an old wound. It doesn’t matter if they are in a new “happy” relationship, married, live across the world, have their dream job, or are showing everyone they are living their best lives— narcissists will hoover. Every relationship, friendship, situation, or acquaintance with a narcissist is toxic and always gets worst with time. They are never genuinely happy.

What narcissists fail to understand is people who aren’t narcissists are capable of healing, growing, forgiving, and becoming better versions of themselves, despite whatever hurt narcissists might have caused. To everyone who has known a narcissist, who’s being hoovered, or still knows them, I promise you— you will become better. When you let go and delete them from your life entirely, everything around you becomes better and more peaceful. It may seem impossible at first, and the healing process isn’t always pretty, but you will begin to heal. You will stop caring about them and you will go no contact not to be petty or prove a point, but because you genuinely live a happier and better life without that person in it. You will slowly start to forget the person. You become wiser, stronger, more mature, and healthier. One day, you’ll have a moment at 5AM like I did and realize you weren’t the problem. You’ll remember that, unlike narcissists, you enter relationships for love, mutual respect, good intentions, and when you are ready to share the love and compassion you hold. You will find better. You’ll no longer regret meeting the narcissist and you’ll realize you were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. You’ll stop blaming yourself and will finally see that if it wasn’t you, it certainly would’ve been someone else they would have done the same to. You’ll stop hating them and waiting for karma, and instead you will— dare I say it— become grateful for the lessons you’ve been taught about yourself and people in general. Ironically, despite a narcissist’s efforts to break or destroy you, unknowingly they actually become the catalyst that will help you become the best version of you. I can attest to that.