What I Didn’t Know About Forgiveness

by Kaitlyn Fikaris

I started educating myself on forgiveness when I realized it was something I had to do in order to move on in a healthy way with my life. Although my feelings of anger and vengeance were valid and a normal human reaction to what I had experienced, by continuing to feel that way, I was giving the person a power over me that they craved and probably enjoyed watching. I tried forgiving for some time but I couldn’t. And that’s because forgiveness is a lot more complicated than we think and takes a lot longer than we hope. I learned this year that there are three types of forgiveness, and with one of them I was able to begin freeing myself.

When speaking on forgiveness without a sincere apology present, UCLA psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer says, “these are the cases of forgiveness that are most challenging.” Accountability and apologies are two different things. An apology is saying, “sorry”, or sometimes we receive the half apologies, “I’m sorry you felt that way.” For many, an apology is enough, especially if you know the person deeply cares for you and didn’t do anything intentionally. But for major offenses when you’ve been deeply hurt that it affects every other part of your life— you deserve accountability. Accountability, unlike an apology, sounds like “I know I deeply hurt you, and I am sincerely sorry for whatever ways the hurt I caused has affected your life.” In my case, I’ve accepted I’m never going to hear that. In order for someone to take accountability, they need to fully understand that they’ve done something wrong— and many people don’t want to sit and reflect on the wrongs they have done, no matter how many times you express it. People like that will never grow.

The importance of communication is present here as well. More often than we think, we have hurt others without knowing. During my learning of forgiveness and accountability, I realized the alarming behavior I allowed in my life, which I had to take accountability for. It became less of “this person is horrible” and more of “why did I allow this disgusting behavior?” Although it’s important not to blame yourself when you’ve been hurt by someone else, it’s also important to forgive yourself. Through education, I realized the damage I may have caused others. I am not perfect and no one is. We all have the ability to be hurt and hurt others, even if we weren’t aware. During this time I was able to take accountability for my actions in the past with someone else, and the person and I were able to communicate maturely and bring more peace and closure into each other’s lives. In my opinion, what separates the emotionally mature and immature is having empathy and being able to take accountability when necessary. The irony is when we are the most hurt, we realize the hurt we have caused others.

When we don’t take accountability for our actions, we further inflict emotional and mental pain on the person we’ve hurt. Why? Because when we don’t sincerely apologize or take accountability, we are denying their pain. We are making it harder for them to heal, move on, and forgive. Sometimes people don’t think that what they did was wrong and will not apologize. Sometimes we are dealing with narcissists and master manipulators, who know that if they took accountability, you would move on. Manipulators will purposely withhold accountability or an apology to further inflict pain or because they’re not “done” with you yet. Manipulators and toxic people will never give you a proper apology or closure in order to keep the door slightly open in the future. This is all the more reason why we must use our own strength to forgive the unapologetic.

Forgiving, in general, is a hard task. Forgiving someone who’s not sorry, intentionally hurt you, and will do it again if they had the chance, is close to impossible. So how can we move on from that? According to Dr. Marmer, there are three types of forgiveness: Exoneration, Forebearance, and Release. Exoneration is full forgiveness— wiping the slate clean from the debris; forgiving and forgetting. Exoneration is common when a person takes full responsibility for their actions, asks forgiveness, and assures you the behavior that hurt you will not happen again. Think of the Bible’s definition of forgiveness with Exoneration. Type two, Forebearance, is what we know as forgive but don’t forget. Forebearance applies when the offender has made a partial apology (or somehow justifies their actions.) If this person matters to you, you can cease feelings of grudges or anger with Forebearance, but remain watchful. Think of Forebearance as Beyoncé’s Lemonade.

The third type of forgiveness and probably one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is Release. Release happens when the person who has hurt you doesn’t acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong, has caused trauma but doesn’t want to take responsibility, and has no intent to change their behavior. According to Dr. Marmer, Release does not exonerate the offender, it doesn’t ask for Forebearance, and it doesn’t require you to even speak to the person. “Release allows you to let go of the burden, the silent tacts that is weighing you down and eating away at your chance of happiness.” It is a complete release of the person from your life, the release of feelings of anger and hate. Forgiving what you can and releasing the rest.

Before learning what I have, I often thought of forgiveness as exoneration only. That made forgiving more difficult for me and makes forgiving a lot more difficult for many people. There are some things that we simply cannot forget about and return to it’s original state. Although I don’t identify as a religious person, something that helped me through my process was humanizing the offender. Everyone has childhood traumas or unhealed wounds. Some people simply lack emotional intelligence and empathy. We must remember a person’s humanity when we are forgiving someone, as hard as that might be. Hurt people, hurt people. Humanizing the person who hurt me helped me see them more as a deeply empty person and less of a villain who’s not capable of being forgiven. Release has made me feel more lightweight and has changed how I react to certain things. Don’t ever beat yourself up for not achieving forgiveness yet— whether it be exoneration, forebearance, or release. Forgiveness is constant, isn’t something that happens over night, and often takes years to fully achieve. Sometimes people may not deserve to be forgiven but you don’t deserve to carry that weight and your offender doesn’t deserve to live in your mind rent-free. It is when you realize the art of release, you will be able to move further away from the dark behind you and closer to the fresh air and light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever you’re ready.